‘Double bind’ : distorted system of communication
Probably the single most notable, as well as notorious anthropologists of the 20th century was a diminutive American lady by the name of Margaret Mead.
Such was her workaholism that she took her projects home with her and sometimes moved in with her projects – these included a New Guinean chief and a communications expert called Gregory Bateson, both of whom, among others, she married.
When it was fashionable to view schizophrenia as a severe disorder of communication, Gregory was the guru of what became the ‘double bind’.
What on earth is that, I hear you cry. Well, basically it’s a highly distorted system of communication, used by the emotionally inadequate, to control others (often their children) by encouraging them to feel guilty through consistent inconsistency.
OK, so you’re none the wiser – I’ll explain, Mother returns home after a born to shop expedition; she throws herself on to the lounge scattering parcels and her shoes in all directions. “Gosh I’m thirsty,” she cries.
On cue, Father leaps from his chair, rushes to the kitchen and busies himself with kettles and teapots.
He emerges with a freshly brewed cup of tea, which he presents, eager for her approval.
Mother smiles with her mouth – but she replies, ‘oh my dear you shouldn’t have… but I’d so much have preferred coffee’.
So what… so a lot? Indirect communication is the best way known to man and woman (well some of them) to compensate for personal inadequacies through putting others in their apparently rightful place, that is below the ‘double binder’.
So the partnership / relationship cannot grow and increasing bitterness is hidden beneath a shallow veneer of ‘saccharine’ sweetness.
The recipe, as my example shows, is a ‘double binder’ tormented by well concealed inadequacies and lacking in self-worth who duly, in turn, torments the victim who is eager to live up to others expectancies in the hopes that the approval so received will be a passport towards their own worth.
Needless to say that approval is never given because it wasn’t there in the first place; the only approval that is really important is that which we have of ourselves.
There are many families imprisoned in this Claytons communications system – so how can they be released? Easier said than done.
The key is direct communication, yes is yes, no is no, feelings are accurately expressed and listened to, honesty without fear, guilt or presumption.
No wonder Gregory Bateson ultimately gave up on schizophrenia and moved on to the calmer waters of communication between dolphins.
Much less complicated than humans in the long run… or should that be the long swim?